My oldest turns twelve today and so that also means it’s my twelfth anniversary at this job of motherhood. What a whirlwind…the kind of whirlwind that zips by some days and seems to never end on other days, and in every single one of those days is pure priveledge.
When I think about that day that he was born and the days leading up to it, one thing is clear: I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. If I was being honest, I would have told you that I felt good about the fact that I was an elementary teacher and how maybe (hopefully) that added a star to my badge and gave me some kind of advantage heading into motherhood. But the hard truth is, nothing can prepare you for it.
Starting from the day he was born which was supposed to be a routine checkup on my way to work, and ended in me getting pushed in a wheelchair to Labor and Delivery (after some unsuccessful pleading with the doctor to just let me go home and get my hospital bag, to which he said no), it became painstakingly clear that I was not in the driver’s seat for any part of this. I sat there in the hospital bed, hooked up all sorts of monitors, and through shaky breath and silent tears, called Jeff to tell him it was time.
I wish I could tell you, twelve years into this thing, that I’ve figured it out. I haven’t. As it turns out, you step into motherhood with a learning curve as steep as the years left on this earth. Some things get easier (it’s REALLY nice when they start sleeping through the night, for example), but mostly they just change into new things that you don’t know how to do.
Right before school started this year, I was driving Everett to his Middle School Orientation. I asked him if he was nervous and he said he was a little bit. I went on to explain how normal that feeling is when you’ve never done something before. I told him that when I am trying to figure something out that I’ve never done before, it helps me to take a step back and remind myself that I’m not supposed to know how to do it. Why is that reminder so helpful? Of course nobody expects us to have mastered something we’ve never done, but I know that I get trapped in that mindset all the time and just releasing myself of the expectation to have it all figured out really does help.
So here’s to motherhood: Twelve years of it. Here’s to embracing the reality that I don’t know what I’m doing, and to reminding myself that I’m not supposed to. Here’s to this wild ride that is often wonderful, sometimes really bumpy, and mostly somewhere in between. And perhaps the biggest mystery of all is that even on the hardest of days, it still feels like the best gift I’ve ever been given. Here’s to not having a clue on how to do something and then reminding ourselves (over and over again) that we’re not supposed to know.
Also, speaking of being clueless, if you are a parent of a Middle Schooler and beyond…do tell me all the things. Seriously.